The 9/11 Conspiracy: A Dramatization by Maxwell Yezpitelok 5

1: All right! Are you ready for this?
2: I’m all pumped!
1: Me too! Let’s get started.
2: Let’s!
1: Okay. So is everything ready? Is everything set?
2: Everything is completely prepared, sir.
1: We’re gonna launch this conspiracy?
2: We totally are sir.
1: Did you talk to those Al Qaeda guys? Is that all set?
2: All set sir. They are in our pocket, as you say.
1: So we trust those guys, right? They won’t sell us out later on?
2: They most certainly will not, sir.
1: Not even if we piss them off at some point and they really hate America? Because those guys, you know, if they’re gonna take the blame for this thing obviously they must know something about the conspiracy that the rest of the world doesn’t, right? Like they could go on Al Jazeera one day and say “actually, we didn’t come up with this plan on our own, some other guy come up to us one day and proposed the whole thing.” Anything like that would be enough to cast some serious doubt on the official story.
2: You, uh, forgot the quotes, sir.
1: I’m sorry, “official story”.
2: But they won’t do anything like that, sir. Not even if they hate us. Do you know why?
1: Why?
2: Because they get something out of this, too. They get to say to the world, hey everybody, WE were the ones who came up with this plan. We pulled this off, not the United States Government, or some shady person who came to us one day, and that gives them a lot of credibility as a terrorist organization.
1: It’s win-win.
2: Exactly, sir. So why would they sell us out later on? I mean, yeah, they could, but what are the consequences? People are gonna be like “wait a minute — didn’t you say YOU did all that stuff? Were you LYING to us?”
1: They’re gonna look like assholes.
2: Major assholes. And they don’t want that. Public relations are important for an organization like that. So they’ll keep their mouths shut forever and ever.
1: But what if they don’t?
2: Then we’ll just kill them and replace them with holograms.
1: Oh cool!
2: Yeah, ten years from now, we’re gonna say “hey, we finally got Bin Laden” and then we’re gonna deploy the holograms to say something like “we hate you Americans even more for killing our friend.” Then we’ll feed that tape to Al Jazeera and they’ll run it.
1: Ha! Those saps at Al Jazeera always fall for that.
2: Actually, I think they’re in our pocket too.
1: Are they?
2: Maybe, I don’t know.
1: Anyway. Moving on. Is the Pentagon missile ready?
2: All set, sir.
1: So we’re gonna launch that missile at the Pentagon, right?
2: Correct, sir.
1: So here’s one thing I’ve been thinking about: how do we know nobody’s gonna look at the sky at that precise moment and go “holy shit there’s a fucking missile there”?
2: Because we did a study, sir. Turns out nobody’s looking at the sky at that exact time in the morning.
1: Really? Because this seems like a pretty big risk. What if, God forbid, someone happens to have a camera on their hand at that moment, maybe it’s their kids’ birthday or something, and they record the missile in the sky and put it on the Internet? How can we make sure that doesn’t happen?
2: It won’t. And here’s why: at the exact moment that we launch the missile…
1: Right…
2: …fucking MacGyver’s gonna be on TV.
1: Holy mother of shit. That is fucking brilliant.
2: They’ll have no idea what’s going on! They’ll be like, “hey MacGyver, how are you gonna come out of this pickle now?” And then “What is this, they’re interrupting MacGyver because of some news report? A plane hit the Pentagon? Boy, I am really pissed off at those Muslims now.”
1: That is… wow. Just, wow.
2: So then what we’re gonna do is we’re gonna get 12 or so people to say they saw a plane, not a missile, and that’s it.
1: Excellent. But why 12? Why don’t we get more people to say that they saw the same thing, while we’re at it?
2: Because sir, MacGyver’s gonna be on.
1: Right, right. It’s gonna look suspicious.
2: We’re probably pushing it with 12.
1: No, that’s okay. But what about the people at the Pentagon? Aren’t they gonna notice it’s a missile and not a plane? I know it’s gonna happen pretty fast and all, but that seems like a pretty big gamble, right?
2: Sir. They’re at the Pentagon. They work for us too.
1: Ohhhhhhh, that’s right, that’s right…
2: They are heartless bastards just like we are, sir. Even the janitors. Also everyone’s family.
1: Yeah, I forgot, sorry.
2: Besides, a lot of them aren’t even gonna be there that day.
1: Why not?
2: They’re gonna be doing renovations on the building.
1: Seriously? Isn’t that a little obvious? Couldn’t we come up with a different story? Pest control?
2: No, they’re really gonna be doing renovations on that day, sir. They wouldn’t budge on that point. They were like “You can tear a whole fucking side of the building if you want but we need that Jamba Juice by October”.
1: Damn. Okay.
2: So then we’re gonna cover the front of the Pentagon with airplane scraps that we keep for just these occasions.
1: Okay, but make sure you do that fast because if someone takes even one picture of the front of the Pentagon that isn’t completely littered with wreckage, it’s gonna go on the Internet and it will be our ruin.
2: What? Who’s gonna take that picture? The same people at the Pentagon who just saw us place the wreckage there?
1: Oh, right.
2: You’re off today, sir.
1: Yes, it’s all that crack I’ve been doing to help me cope with the senseless murder of thousands.
2: Hahahahahaha.
1: Hahahahahahahahaha.
2: I think everything’s covered, sir.
1: Yes, this seems like an exceptionally well preprared plan.
2: Anything else?
1: I don’t think so… oh, did you remember to check that cellphone thing?
2: What cellphone thing, sir?
1: You know, did you check to see if cellphones really work from planes? From the height that they’re gonna be?
2: …
1: Jerry?
2: Hmm?
1: Did you check the cellphone thing or not?
2: Huh? Oh yeah, yeah! Yeah, totally did.
1: So can passengers make phone calls from that height or not?
2: Pffft, yeah, sure they can.
1: You checked?
2: Yes. Yes.
1: Because we’ve got a massive and extremely well planned conspiracy here, Jerry, and it would be silly for it to come crumbling down because it turns out you can’t make calls from that height.
2: Yeah, I know.
1: I mean, we don’t HAVE to plant those fake phonecalls. That was just something the guys on the Creative came up with at the last moment to make this a little more personal, a little more engaging.
2: It’s a very nice touch.
1: We got Howie Mandel to record some of the voices.
2: Terrific performer.
1: But we don’t HAVE to do that, you know. So if you’re not 100% sure that you can make calls from a plane, which I imagine is something that you can just check on the Internet or something, we better just skip that part. This is a horrible thing we’re doing here and we don’t want to leave any indication that it’s all a con.
2: No, no, I absolutely did check that. On the Internet, as you say. Yes, I remember I opened up Netscape, went into Altavista, and printed out all that information that came up.
1: Excellent. Where is it?
2: Huh?
1: The information that you printed out about the thing that could potentially doom our entire conspiracy.
2: Oh, it’s uh… here.
1: Thanks. Wait, no, this is that “People Are Really Fucking Dumb And Will Never Ever Check The Temperature At Which Metal Melts” report… Jerry, did you just write something on that piece of paper?
2: Sorry, what?
1: Did you write something down on that piece of paper while I was looking at this report?
2: Me? No.
1: Whatever. So where’s that cellphone information?
2: Oh, here you go.
1: It says “You can totes make calls from cellphones on a plane”.
2: Uh-huh.
1: On the same piece of paper that I just saw you write something on.
2: Uh-huh.
1: Jerry?
2: Yes, sir?
1: Great work, son.
2: Aw thank you, sir.
1: No, I mean it, this is great. This is… I’m really proud to be a mass murderer today. And I tell you something else: if someone ever finds out about this conspiracy, it won’t be because of some stupid, small, easily avoidable mistake or something any idiot can check on the Internet.
2: It’s true. That would be unbelievably stupid of us, the people capable of planning a conspiracy.
1: Anyway, let’s get this party started!
2: Yes!
1: Maybe later you can go down on me for a while.
2: It would be an honor… MISTER PRESIDENT.