In celebration of the latest DC Comics reboot, which let’s face it will probably suck for the most part, we asked the Mighty Geek committee to tell us how THEY would restart their favorite DC Comics comics. By “Mighty Geek committee,” by the way, we mean a group of chimps trapped in a container, continuously raping one another.
JUSTICE LEAGUE #1
I think the flagship Justice League comic should use important, recognizable characters only (no Cyborg, is what I’m saying here) but it should also be free to play around with them, meaning that ideally those characters should appear in this comic only so that writers don’t have to worry about keeping up with the continuity of their solo books. So what I’d do is this: take advantage of the fact that at the DCU you usually have more than one guy using the same superhero name at any given time and put a bunch of the duplicates here. So my roster would be: Batman (Dick Grayson), Flash (Wally West), Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner or John Stewart), Wonder Woman (Hyppolita), and also Hawkman and Aquaman since no one cares about them and 90% of the time they won’t have their own book. Superman would be a part-time member, coming in every once in a while to give a pep talk or punch something. He’s not usually very good in team books anyway, since his powers tend to make everyone else redundant.
This could easily become a C-list Justice League but it doesn’t have to be that way: for a mainstream audience it wouldn’t make a difference if the guy dressed as Batman is called Dick or Bruce as long as he’s recognizably Batman-like, so just play it that way. Likewise, most readers have no idea what Flash or Green Lantern are called. Just make sure they don’t get whiny and it should be okay.
by Son of Mxy
Fuck choosing the creative team. I just want to make an aquaman title that downplays the lame parts of his character (talking to fish, wearing a really homosexual costume), and emphasizing the abilities that make him useful in a fight (IIRC, he has some sort of super strength). Just focus on good stories without resorting to edgy/angsty gimmicks.
by Son of Mxy also
Make him caucasian. Cuz I’m racist.
WONDER WOMAN #1
by First Among Daves
The character gets the shield of Zeus (the Aegis) as a new weapon (it creates storms) and the hammer of Hephaestus (it can create volcanoes). So she gets nerfed up. And then Authority the fuck out of the character: Trigon the Terrible appears and is poised destroy the world, and WW chops off his head and mounts it on a pike. Starro takes over the planet, and WW decides to deal decisively and barbecues him. Kanjar-Ro’s invasion fleet destroys the Philippines and blows up Manila (“Neil! Nooooo!”) and Wondy repels the invasion and drops him into a lava pit.
I’d really like to see a major DC character be kick-arse in a real war instead of pussyfooting around with “Oh, let’s imprison this insane mass murderer so he can escape again and kill more people”. This character is the only one which has the potential for it.
Not that I read the cultural gutter which is superhero comics anymore. Next!
ACTION COMICS #1
by Pro M. Etheus
Immigrant convenient store owners Martha and Jonathan Kentivich blow a tire coming back home from a visit to Martha’s sister in Smallville. While changing the tire, the couple are witness to the arrival and appearance of a cloaked alien escape pod. Within the pod, a small humanoid child. With the ship dissolving the moment he is removed, the Kentivich’s decide to adopt and raise the seemingly abandoned child. They name him Clark.
He is raised in the urban environment of Metropolis, becoming an introspective man with strong ties to the neighborhood he calls home. During puberty, superior physical and mental resilience begin manifesting. With his internal organs arranged nearly identical to humans, the Kentivich’s family doctor can only guess that he is simply “growing up”. Once Clark’s symptoms reach beyond human limits (his skin can no longer be physically separated), the family decides they can no longer trust anyone else with his condition and begin creating excuses for him when accidental public displays occur. Clark grows up carefully during his teen years, always holding back. Allowing others to win the basketball game. Always coming in second in any competition or struggle. By fifteen, he begins wearing fake reading glasses, to further emphasize his act of weakness.
With his adoptive parents succumbing to their elder age by his eighteenth birthday, Clark sells the store and goes to college. While studying Journalism, he meets and has a one-night stand with a sophomore named Lois Lane. One night only, as the next morning upon sobriety they both find they cannot stand one another. They will, however, continue to find their lives intertwined on many levels, though not necessarily romantic.
Finding a passion in writing, Clark becomes a freelance novelist and part-time columnist for TheDailyPlanet.Com (a site whose editor happens to be college flame-meets-adversary Lois Lane). He changes his publishing/pen name to “Clark Kent”, in hopes of maintaining a slightly separate or “secret” ID between his public persona as a known writer and columnist, and the kid from the streets of Siegel Parks.
It’s during research for his stories (mostly focusing on the urban decay of Metropolis) that Clark begins to understand the city’s needs. Begins to truly see the corruption, crime, and decay that purveys his landscape. He realizes that someone, somewhere, needs to take a stand. Against criminals. Against corruption. Against social injustice. Against all the sins the world tries to ignore. To reclaim the streets of Metropolis for its people.
Clark Kent can leap a mile-at-a-time. Running speeds of up to 250-mph. Vision that can excite atomic structures, or penetrate them with x-ray radiation. A hide that can be penetrated by nothing less than a Hydrogen Bomb. And a benchpress of up to two-tons.
He must become more than a man. The city needs a hero. A champion. A protector. A super-man.
Art by John Cassaday.
GREEN LANTERN CORPS #1
For millennia they’ve been called the police force of the universe. After the removal of the cruel, totalitarian Green Lantern Sinestro, Sector 1417 is left in ruins in the wake of the power vacuum. Anarchy and revolution destroy most of the worlds’ governments and create the perfect breeding ground for crime. Pleas from those worlds to the Guardians lead to Tomar-Re and Guy Gardner being dispatched with a crew of young recruits to stabilize the sector. The task won’t be as easy as they first thought as the criminal element has entrenched itself deeply into the fabric of the planets’ cultures.
Part space opera, part police procedural, alien backdrops frame noir tales of deception, violence, and murder. CSI’s got nothing on Tomar-Re’s brilliant scientific mind, and “Dirty” Harry Callahan himself couldn’t think of better ways to use the Lantern ring’s power to crush the criminal scum of the galaxy than Guy Gardner.
JUSTICE LEAGUE: STORMWATCH PLANETARY RELIEF COLUMN #1
by First Among Daves
Earth’s thin red line, based in an enormous Thanagarian warship called “Stormwatch”, operating with letters of marque issued by the Guardians of Oa valid throughout space sector 2817 via their representative, Raker Qarrigat.
Piloting the spacecraft is Swift, and the crew is an international cast of heroes: Rocket Red, Blue Devil, Goraiko, Warmaker One, the Master/Pulse8, the Shining Knight, Zealot, Jackson King, Mr Majestic, a reformed Killer Frost, Firehawk, and Dr Light (Kimiyo Hoshi).
They are lead by the reformed villain and master strategist, but still nonetheless very sinister, Kobra. Kobra has blackmailed Samson and Atlas into being his (often errant) personal bodyguards, and has as his wildcard a standing mercenary contract with Lobo.
Their mission: to harass the unified armies of Darkseid, Mongul, and Kanjar-Ro in their ultimately unstoppable task of conquering nearby planets such as Rann, Khera, Pytharia, Okaara, and Tamaran, and stopping the occasional alien raid upon the Earth.
by Pig Iran
I would write Dick Grayson as a man that is abnormal. Due to the violence of his youth he is still a crime fighter, but he has some unusual quirks. He is addicted to violence (not killing) in an unhealthy way. He has also spent so much time working nightly patrols and watching he has become something of a voyeur living vicariously through the actions of others. He has slowly become all the things he hated in Bruce–a ladies man, a player, emotionally unattached.
His life never works. He is too self-absorbed for a functional relationship, he isn’t capable of coping with his extreme emotional desires… violence, adrenaline, philandering -rampant sex with any number of women. and he also isn’t able to cope with the things his outward mind wants conflicting with his deep rooted dysfunctional side. He truly loves Barbara Gordon but can only hurt her. He secretly hates Bruce for dragging him into the crazy world he exists in… a lifestyle forced upon him.
He also has a huge thing for Selina Kyle… huge! He really likes watching her, and still gets all fumbled around her…
Not quite Punisher violent, but more psychologically dark than Punisher’s revenge schtick.
by First Among Daves
The oldest and most carnivorous of Sun-Eaters, notorious to galactic civilisations as the Firestorm of Life’s End, is many parsecs in diameter. With some effort, he squeezes down and adopts a human interface in order to better understand these small sugars-fueled creatures who have repeatedly thwarted him and his brothers. It was intended to be a week’s intelligence gathering.
As he enters US airspace, he inadvertantly stops a nuclear catastrophe by consuming the hard radiation and absorbing the blast of an old Soviet hydrogen bomb smuggled into Chicago by neo-Nazi terrorists trying to kill the President.
In doing so, he is hailed by Earth’s population as a hero, and discovers to his bemusement that he likes being praised for altruistic deeds.
But Earth’s Green Lanterns recognise him for what he is, and with extreme caution seek to capture him. So, resisting the temptation fight and eat the power of their Batteries, he camoflages by taking the identity of an astrophysics student enrolled at the University of Chicago.
When two of his brothers, the Echo of Stars’ Graves and the Shadow of Worlds’ Dust, arrive in the Solar System to consume the sun, Firestorm of Life’s End must make a choice: fight his brothers and be exiled by his species, or save the Earth.
CHALLENGERS OF THE UNKNOWN #1
After a dangerous encounter with a UFO, USAF Col. Kyle Morgan convinces the Pentagon to allow him to assemble a group of varied specialists, all of whom have had their own near death experiences due to unusual circumstances, to combat the strange and unexplained. Given funding and other material support, he soon establishes a network of scientists, engineers, soldiers, and historians to become a covert troubleshooting unit for the US military. With an hourglass symbol to remind them all of the borrowed time they now live on, they traverse pocket universes, thwart ancient alien menaces, and seize magic relics from power hungry sorcerers until that borrowed time runs out.
Making the Challengers more of a Planetary type group gives the writers the ability to create or use pre-existing characters who will fit a certain story instead of trying to force characters to fit the situation as well as allowing for a few to be sacrificed as needed.
GREEN LANTERN #1
I’m gonna take on Green Lantern too, because thedoctor is a drunk and should not be trusted.
First of all, I’d get rid of the Guardians. Fuck them. There’s not a whole lot to do with them, as evidenced by the fact that they keep turning them into bastards and yet for some reason the Corps still put up with them. One day the Guardians go too far and there’s a big fight between all the Green Lanterns and them. Or maybe they’re killed in a freak kitchen accident, whatever. Anyway, Alan Scott is elected as the sole New Guardian since he’s got that meteor inside him so he can create new rings, and also because he’s the first Green Lantern ever and it’s ridiculous that he isn’t even in the book.
When news that the Guardians are dead spread around, criminals all over the universe go apeshit, raping and pillaging entire galaxies and forming fleets of space pirate ships. These ships travel mostly in the empty voids between sectors, boarding the spaceship of every bastard unlucky enough to run into them and adding it to the fleet. Hal Jordan is sent out to infiltrate a pirate fleet and gather intel for an eventual GL smackdown. However, Jordan finds that not everyone in these ships is so bad (some people have joined out of fear or necessity), further complicating the situation.
HAWK AND DOVE #1
Writer: Anybody Artist: Rob Leifeld
Dove’s almost non-existent ankles break while on a mission leading to her being captured and killed. Holing up in the JLA HQs, a grief driven Hawk builds a time-traveling suit based on Linear Men and Cosmic Treadmill technology. Arriving back in time, he learns his calculations were wildly imprecise as he re-enters the timestream at Dove’s funeral. Grief turning into rage, he kills his past self creating a time paradox that fractures the the New DCU forever. How could this get any worse? Well, let’s just say that rage draws the attention of a blood vomiting space kitty! Hank Hall of Earth, welcome to the Red Lantern Corps!
I thought about this leading into a Johns/Leifeld mini-series: Flachpouch: Pockets in Time where the Flash battles Hawk in the remaining pockets of the universe that are slowly being destroyed by the paradox. The climax of the series reveals the true villain, Wally West. He pushed Hawk out of the timestream at the wrong time knowing that he wouldn’t be able to control his rage. I hate to turn Wally bad like that, but it couldn’t be any worse than anything DC has done with him lately. But, I thought the title would just be pushing the Leifeld humor a little too much.
LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES #1
by Matter-Eater Man
For my favorite title Legion of Superheroes, I would reboot it by combining aspects of all the previous reboots into one. They would have a really huge membership with a primary core cast being focussed on from story to story. They would be aware that their history is all messed up due to the Time Trapper’s manipulations but there wouldn’t be anything they could do about it other than preserving what they had now. The title would not be held accountable for the ongoing changes for the present day DCU. Superboy would be the one from the silver age. Maybe he would be from an alternate universe or be part of some chronal destabalization by the Time Trapper, whatever. With that in place they could just go on and have adventures using the futuristic backdrop that helps make the Legion unigue.
They would also age in real time as much as possible. That would force change and growth without having to do another reboot IMHO.
by Matter-Eater Man
An ethnic gay guy named Billy Batson spends all his spare time helping the homeless encounters an old dying man near an abandoned subway. It turns out to be an ancient wizzard named Shazzam who attempts to steal Billy’s body and becomes the world’s mightiest villian. The spell gets botched though and Billy ends up having the evil wizzard’s powers when he says his name. The catch is the longer he keeps them the more influence the old wizzard has over Billy.
We didn’t do Batman because Batman sucks. Don’t think so? Kindly tell us so in the comments section, you maroon!